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The Funnies

JW’s Comprehensive List of People Ruining Online Gaming

Saturday, October 27th, 2007

Hello again, people. The first entry in this three-part series, where I took a good long look at some of the people who are ruining Halo 3, was a smashing success (and a good source of shits and giggles on my end). This second entry expands on that, looking at online gaming as a whole, pointing the finger of judgment at those who do all in their power to ruin the game for everyone else.

So sit back, get comfortable, and get your insults ready. If this is anything like last time, a whole lot of you are about to get really, really pissed.


JW’s Comprehensive List of People Who Are Ruining Halo 3

Saturday, October 20th, 2007


Here I am, sitting in the computer lab at my college with an hour and a half before my next class. Since I have nothing better to do, and I am also a cheap, dirty $2 whore for website traffic, I figured I’d talk a bit about Halo 3’s online multiplayer. “Why?” you ask? Well, because I can and odds are everyone under the sun owns it by now.

In short: It’s awesome. That’s really it. I could just put up a stupid image of Master Chief quoting Lil John and call it a day, but no. I fear that I have to vent a bit. You see, through my time playing Halo 3, I’ve come across quite a few groups of people. From the creepy old men who tried to talk about sex acts with his ex until EVERYONE muted him, to ten year old children who have mouths more foul than Pig-Pen’s underwear drawer.

Now, there are, literally, hundreds of different categories for which to lump gamers into. This list deals exclusively with those that, I feel, taint the game for those of us who are on to have a good time. Those groups of players who, no matter what, you just can’t stand.



Zero Punctuation on Tabula Rasa

Thursday, October 11th, 2007

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard something about the next game from resident gaming genius/madman Richard “Lord British” Garriott. Whether you love his work (Ultima Online, City of Heroes/Villains, ) or hate his work, you can’t deny that Garriott has had a definite impact on the industry. So, now that his latest effort, Tabula Rasa, is now in for foreseeable future, you can imagine that fans of his work are psyched about this latest entry into the crowded MMO market.

Yahtzee is not impressed.

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Sessler’s Soapbox: Dear Halo Haters…

Thursday, October 11th, 2007

Shut up, watch this, and come back to this text when you’re done.

…done? Good. Now, as I said a while back, G4 really doesn’t do Adam Sessler justice. In all honesty, he’s one of the smartest people in the industry, so I look forward to seeing these little snippets of a somewhat more subdued, competent Sessler. This time, he didn’t disappoint, voicing both his opinion on Halo 3, and telling those Halo 3 haters who just HAVE to find something wrong with the game so they can feel like they’re cool, exactly what to do with themselves.

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Super Mario and Master Chief have deformed love child

Friday, October 5th, 2007

You know, when I heard about the video capturing features in Halo 3, I expected to see some weird things. But this… this is just rediculously creative. Someone, who shall not be named, got really bored on Halo 3’s multiplayer, and thought to himself (or herself) “…this would make a badass Mario level.”

Thus, this video is born.

Sure, it’s not RvB, but it’s somethin’.

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ScrewAttack’s Video Game Vault: Gremlins 2

Thursday, October 4th, 2007

The guys at ScrewAttack have just released their latest spotlight from their deep library of games inside that damned vault of theirs. This time around is a game that takes the typical “good movie = bad game” formula, and reverses it entirely: Gremlins 2.

I never played Gremlins 2 on the NES. I’ve never even been a really big fan of the Gremlins movies, to be honest with you, but… I may try this one out if I see it at a thrift store, or yard sale.

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lolcat returns to advertise Geometry Wars: Galaxies

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

Who loves lolcat? If you raised your hand, shoot yourself. The silly internet fad has been dead for some time, but apparently no one at Vivendi has gotten the memo, as they’ve revived the lolcat to help advertise Geometry Wars: Galaxies.

I can imagine the guy who came up with this. Some fifty-sixty year-old lifetime suit, sitting behind a desk thinking “this is what the children enjoy”. …I hate people like that.

My personal favorite is “WHA R Wii PLAYUN, DOODZ?”. I assume that’s my favorite because I didn’t black out in a fit of passive rage after reading it.

Geometry Wars: Galaxies itself will be released for the Wii this November, and unlike these ads… it won’t suck.


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Jack Thompson loves gay sex, compares himself to Paul Revere

Wednesday, September 26th, 2007


You know, it would take a feat of extraordinary measure for batshit crazy attorney Jack Thompson to render me speechless. But somehow… some way… Thompson found a way.

So what did this man, who has previously blamed Bill Gates for the Virginia Tech shootings, attacked both Halo 3 and Bully, and even used his own child to further his insane beliefs, do to make me literally choke on my cider?

…he mailed gay porn to a US District Court Judge! I have but one question for Jack Thompson: When you dove off the deep end, did you bring a shovel with you to dig deeper once you hit bottom?

GamePolitics has a more detailed account of what happened, but I’ll boil it down for you after the break.


eBay auctioner actually expected $750 for Halo 3?

Thursday, September 20th, 2007


NOTE: I was gonna include this in the inagural 1PStart version of “t3h w31rd”, but… no. This is too good.

At the time I write this, the high bid on this early copy of Halo 3 is $162.50. This is not for the helmet. Hell, this isn’t even for the Collector’s Edition box set. Someone has willingly offered to pay $162.50 for the regular ol’ Halo 3.

Why? So you can get it a few days earlier than everyone else? Dude, while you’re playing through your regular ol’ Halo 3, I’ll be standing in line with some of the most die-hard and passionate gamers on the planet, waiting to get my hands on my Legendary Edition Halo 3 (the helmet), which comes with a ton of bonus material. And you know what?

I’ll STILL be paying less than you, dingle berry. So, to you Mr. “7***a”, I hope you enjoy your copy of Halo 3. Lord knows that by the time you get it, I’ll be trying to get my cat to wear the helmet.

And to YOU, Mr. Auctioner… what are you? Freaking retarded?


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The Twist of “The Museum”: Consolevania

Friday, September 14th, 2007

Some of you have seen the new Halo 3 Ad entitled “The Museum,” that many gaming sites posted about earlier this week. It’s actually a pretty serious commercial, showing the emotions of war, specifically those promised of Halo 3. Well, what is war with out the smack talking of an online community? Someone made their own version of “The Museum,” and made it a little more realistic in the Xbox Live world. I recommend checking out the original first, and then watch this one here for a good loling:

The Lamest Hot Coffee Code…Evar

Friday, September 7th, 2007

Well it turns it that Lair, the failing AAA title for the PS3, has a “Hot Coffee” cheat code just like the one found in GTA: San Andreas. No, it’s not intercourse between dragons or anything like you medieval perverts were hoping, but just a boring segment of coffee being made. To me, this is kind of a letdown of the almighty “Hot Coffee” code, and gives it a bad name. A Hot Coffee code should become a tradition to gamers, something to rub it in Jack Thompson’s wrinkled face, not actually hot coffee.

Hopefully we will start to see more Hot Coffee segments in games, and next time I hope that it is entertaining enough that it makes the ESRB says, “WTF?”

[Via PS3Fanboy]

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The Love Hate Bioshock Review

Thursday, September 6th, 2007

So, have you ever seen a bad review for Bioshock? Of course you havn’t. Practically every reviewer has rated it in the top 90%, claiming it is the best game of the year, and that it is Game of the Year material. Though I don’t disagree with that, it is always good to look on the other side, and look at Bioshock in a negative maner. Why? Because it’s funny as hell.

Check out the awesomely bad Bioshock review where even if you are a Bioshock fanboy, you won’t be able to resist agreeing with this guy.

[Escapist Magazine]

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The Goatse of Bioshock

Tuesday, September 4th, 2007

Don’t know what a Goatse is? Then you probably just passed this one on by while OD’ing on plasmids and shocking everything in sight. However, if you did know what a Goatse is, then you probably laughed your ass off or thrown up like most of you do while witnessing the almighty Goatse.

Here it is, one of the best Easter Eggs in video gaming history.


Ollie On My WiiMote

Friday, August 31st, 2007

Black Market skateboards has decided to create a non-licensed Nintendo Skateboard. Though it doesn’t say “Wii” on it, the exact clone of the design of the Wii Remote may anger Nintendo a tad bit, and force them to legally take on the hardcore skater industry. Skate off, anyone?

Besides, the only Tony Hawks game for the Wii sucks to the max. I didn’t even know that skateboarders played the Wii. I kid I kid. Warning: After many board slides, it is possible that the speaker in the center may not work anymore, but that’s ok, right? It doesn’t sound that good anyway.

[Thanks, Kotaku.]

The Space Invaders Sweater: Make Me One!

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007


Many believe that wearing a turtle-neck’d sweater in public is the nerdiest thing you can do, but now, those believers will be shunned incorrect due to the mega-nerdiness of the new Space Invaders Sweater. This sweater is hand-knitted, and customized to fulfill any gamer’s satisfaction. Though for $60 a pop, I’d recommend buying Bioshock instead. That game keeps you warm in a different way.

However, if you are the one that creates these and have some extra yarn laying around, I would LOVE one.

[Via Etsy]

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